- type: dataset
  id: news
  values:
  - "Tree stuck in tajaran; firefighters baffled."
  - "Armadillos want aardvarks removed from dictionary claims 'here first'."
  - "Angel found dancing on pinhead ordered to stop; cited for public nuisance."
  - "Letters claim they are better than number; 'Always have been'."
  - "Pens proclaim pencils obsolete, 'lead is dead'."
  - "Rock and paper sues scissors for discrimination."
  - "Steak tell-all book reveals he never liked sitting by potato."
  - "Woodchuck stops counting how many times he’s chucked 'Never again'."
#  - "{{AFFECTED}} clerk first person able to pronounce '@*$%!'."
#  - "{{AFFECTED}} delis serving boiled paperback dictionaries, 'Adjectives chewy' customers declare."
#  - "{{AFFECTED}} weather deemed 'boring'; meteors and rad storms to be imported."
#  - "Most {{AFFECTED}} security officers prefer cream over sugar."
#  - "Palindrome speakers conference in {{AFFECTED}}; 'Wow!' says Otto."
#  - "Question mark worshipped as deity by ancient {{AFFECTED}} dwellers."
#  - "Spilled milk causes whole {{AFFECTED}} populace to cry."
#  - "World largest carp patty at display on {{AFFECTED}}."
  - "'Here kitty kitty' no longer preferred tajaran retrieval technique."
  - "Man travels 7000 light years to retrieve lost hankie, 'It was my favourite'."
  - "New bowling lane that shoots mini-meteors at bowlers very popular."
#  - "Guy gets tattoo of Tau Ceti on chest '[pick("CentComm","star","starship","asteroid")] tickles most'."
  - "Skrell marries computer; wedding attended by 100 modems."
  - "Chef reports successfully using harmonica as cheese grater."
  - "Nanotrasen invents handkerchief that says 'Bless you' after sneeze."
  - "Clone accused of posing for other clones’s school photo."
  - "Clone accused of stealing other clones’s employee of the month award."
  - "Woman robs station with hair dryer; crewmen love new style."
  - "This space for rent."
#  - "{{AFFECTED}} Baker Wins Pickled Crumpet Toss Three Years Running"
  - "Skrell Scientist Discovers Abacus Can Be Used To Dry Towels"
  - "Survey: 'Cheese Louise' Voted Best Pizza Restaurant In Tau Ceti"
#  - "I Was Framed, jokes {{AFFECTED}} artist"
#  - "Mysterious Loud Rumbling Noises In {{AFFECTED}} Found To Be Mysterious Loud Rumblings"
#  - "Alien ambassador becomes lost on {{AFFECTED}}, refuses to ask for directions"
  - "Swamp Gas Verified To Be Exhalations Of Stars--Movie Stars--Long Passed"
  - "Tainted Broccoli Weapon Of Choice For Syndicate Assassins"
  - "Chefs Find Broccoli Effective Tool For Cutting Cheese"
  - "Broccoli Found To Cause Grumpiness In Monkeys"
#  - "Survey: 80% Of People on {{AFFECTED}} Love Clog-Dancing"
  - "Giant Hairball Has Perfect Grammar But Rolls rr's Too Much, Linguists Say"
#  - "{{AFFECTED}} Phonebooks Print All Wrong Numbers; Results In 15 New Marriages"
#  - "Tajaran Burglar Spotted on {{AFFECTED}}, Mistaken For Dalmatian"
  - "Gibson Gazette Updates Frequently Absurd, Poll Indicates"
#  - "Esoteric Verbosity Culminates In Communicative Ennui, {{AFFECTED}} Academics Note"
  - "Taj Demand Longer Breaks, Cleaner Litter, Slower Mice"
  - "Survey: 3 Out Of 5 Skrell Loathe Modern Art"
  - "Skrell Scientist Discovers Gravity While Falling Down Stairs"
#  - "Boy Saves Tajaran From Tree on {{AFFECTED}}, Thousands Cheer"
#  - "Shipment Of Apples Overturns, {{AFFECTED}} Diner Offers Applesauce Special"
#  - "Spotted Owl Spotted on {{AFFECTED}}"
  - "Humans Everywhere Agree: Purring Tajarans Are Happy Tajarans"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: One Word In This Gazette Is Sdrawkcab"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It's Hard To Have Too Much Shelf Space"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Wine And Friendships Get Better With Age"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: The Insides Of Golf Balls Are Mostly Rubber Bands"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: You Don't Have To Fool All The People, Just The Right Ones"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: If You Made The Mess, You Clean It Up"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It Is Easier To Get Forgiveness Than Permission"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Check Your Facts Before Making A Fool Of Yourself"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: You Can't Outwait A Bureaucracy"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It's Better To Yield Right Of Way Than To Demand It"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: A Person Who Likes Cats Can't Be All Bad"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Help Is The Sunny Side Of Control"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Two Points Determine A Straight Line"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Reading Improves The Mind And Lifts The Spirit"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Better To Aim High And Miss Then To Aim Low And Hit"
  - "From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Meteors Often Strike The Same Place More Than Once"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Look Both Ways Before Boarding The Shuttle"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Hold On; Sudden Stops Sometimes Necessary"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Keep Fingers Away From Moving Panels"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: No Left Turn, Except Shuttles"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Return Seats And Trays To Their Proper Upright Position"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Eating And Drinking In Docking Bays Is Prohibited"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Accept No Substitutes, And Don't Be Fooled By Imitations"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Do Not Remove This Tag Under Penalty Of Law"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Always Mix Thoroughly When So Instructed"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Try To Keep Six Month's Expenses In Reserve"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Change Not Given Without Purchase"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: If You Break It, You Buy It"
  - "Tommy B. Saif Sez: Reservations Must Be Cancelled 48 Hours Prior To Event To Obtain Refund"
  - "Doughnuts: Is There Anything They Can't Do"
  - "If Tin Whistles Are Made Of Tin, What Do They Make Foghorns Out Of?"
  - "Broccoli discovered to be colonies of tiny aliens with murder on their minds"
